a work in progress

:)

Things are starting to look up. I got some great news yesterday. Lets see how this all plays out.

What do you do when everyone around you is getting pregnant and having babies but it’s not happening for you. :’(

You’ll never know how much I really hurt.

I was home alone this past week and was able to spend some time reflecting. I was brought back to all the horrible memories I have as a child.

I have dark secrets that I’ve never shared.

I smile because it’s easier than reliving the truth. 

…tbc

Something to know…

I’m trying to have a baby and its the most stressful thing i’ve ever done. My stress is mounting and I feel like i’m about to explode. I already told my boss I need a couple of mental health days. I am a lesbian so having a baby doesn’t come easy for me. I have to buy sperm, get my uterus poked every month, and sit and wait. Those 2 weeks are the longest 2 weeks I’ve ever had to live through. It’s the perfect opportunity to drive myself crazy, drive my wife crazy, and do nothing but think. I also think I’m feeling all these things that i’m really not feeling. After my second unsuccessful IUI, I find myself contemplating “Do I want to do this again?” or “Why am I doing this to myself?” My wife and I really love children and really want to have one of our own. So, I will keep moving forward. I will keep thinking positive thoughts.

Some one told me to pray, I though, pray? Will God give me a child? I’m a sinner, I don’t think he will give me anything. Besides, how do you pray? What do you say? Am I supposed to ask for something? Am I supposed to promise something?

I scheduled my IUI appointments for March. Maybe I will pray, Or maybe I should find a hobby.

- J

I HATE WRITING!!! It’s my least favorite thing to do.

The purpose of this blog is to improve my writing and to improve myself. I turned 30 in December and now, more then ever, I find myself finding flaws in my entire being. I doubt myself constantly and I worry everyday that some one will come along and take my place. I don’t have the qualifications that my other peers have to keep up and that shit is scary.

I don’t expect anyone to read this, but if someone comes across this, I hope I don’t bore you away. In my mind I have so much to say but when it comes out on paper is gibberish.

This is all for now…xoxo